How would it feel to know that the most important tenant of your faith is the one you seem to have the most trouble relying on? Would you feel hopeless? Would you feel abandoned? Would you be afraid? Because I’m told that I HAVE to accept that God may want me to be single. I have to accept it. And once I can accept that I may be single forever, that God has bigger plans for me than marriage, and children, then and only then will someone come my way. But still, it’s possible no one will. And I’m told I can’t be willing to settle for anything or anyone who doesn’t feel 100% right. No, I’m told I shouldn’t have to be willing to compromise for less than what I know I need, because the character flaws I see now will never change. But the thing is, it’s SO much harder for me than it is for other people, because I DON’T WANT to accept that God may want me to be alone, that he may have bigger plans for me that never involves marriage or children. And I DON’T WANT to keep waiting around for the right guy, and hold out, and not just “date to date”. I have absolutely no assurance in this matter, because it is all about complete trust. And I can’t trust.
Some say, so why not date just for fun? But I can’t do that either. It doesn’t work that way in a Christian network. People date and they are so much more serious about it. It’s different. For me to date for “fun”, it would always include dating someone who wasn’t a Christian, and that’s a waste of time for me. Because I know I don’t want to be with someone who isn’t a Christian. And still people say, “But you are so young, why do you have to be with someone now?”
Why? My parents are divorced, I already have little faith that marriage can last forever, happily, without divorce, betrayal, and heartbreak. The little hope I still have, I am clinging too desperately. Till my palms are sweating and my finger-tips are turning blue, slowly slipping off the edge. I DON’T WANT to be a lonely, middle-aged woman, with no husband and no children. I want pink and blue baby clothing, the opportunity to paint a nursery, dozens of pointless home videos, birthday parties with colorful cakes, tears when they go off to kindergarten, middle school, high school, college, and then get married. I want Lily Lynn, Claire McKenzie, and Emmitt James. And I want my husband next to me, sharing in the fervor of a new marriage, the frustration of fights and rage and the harmony that comes with getting through them, the anxiety and joy of having our first child, middle-aged nitpickiness. I want someone to be my partner in crime every moment of the way.
So How can my friends relate? I don’t think most of them can. Miss “I’ve been in a relationship for over 5 years”. Miss “I’m happy with my boyfriend of 1 year.” Miss “I know our relationship has been rocky but I love him so much.” Miss “I’m married and joyful.” When I am feeling particularly sad, I log on to a certain site, something I see as a joke yet am secretly wishing, buried in the dark recesses of my comforter, will work for me. It’s something that turned another friend of mine into Miss, “I’ve been dating him for a year”, and another into Miss, “He’s cute, sensitive, AND a Christian, and I’m flying halfway across the country to see him!” They cry, “I can’t believe it worked for me!” While in my mind, I’m crying “I can’t believe it didn’t work for me…” I keep telling myself I don’t believe in fairy-tales. Princes don’t exist and neither do Princesses. There’s no happily-ever-after. But I keep hoping someone will come change my mind.
Someone I know once told me that God tests us. His tests are actually very similar to the academic tests we take every day. Inevitably, we often fail. In fact, God expects us to fail. But he doesn’t worry about us failing, because he knows we will eventually pass with flying colors. Peter, for instance, had the easiest job of all. All he had to do was admit that he knew the LORD, and he promised Jesus he would never deny him. But when Jesus was being hung on the cross, Peter failed him and told the woman who asked that he had never followed Jesus. He failed miserably then, but when Jesus was resurrected, he believed and proclaimed the word. He succeeded with flying colors. I know I’ve failed many times myself. So I’m asking: God, when will I succeed? Because I am tired of being told I am ridiculous. I’m tired of being told I am overreacting, that it’s not that important, and that I need to calm down. Because in all honesty, I know that what I’m feeling isn’t wrong. Somewhere out there, someone has to be feeling the same way, don’t they? God, when will I succeed…?
